The unknown

I woke up with so much in my head. Feeling uneasy and scared. That’s what my life has been all about. Thinking of everything in the past and what might happen in the future. Thinking I have control over that. Getting frustrated because deep down I know,  I can’t change the past,  I can’t change what or how people I love will respond or react.

All theories,  people’s advice or words, quotes, I’ve let be what and who decide for me. I’m not saying it’s bad, but it is draining.

Choosing to be happy is a moment by moment decision. And everything has consequences. Thinking about what if has paralyzed most of my heart and soul. Stops me from truly giving all of me for a long time. What if it’s too good to be true? I’m so scared to be happy,  because I believe it may hurt some people. Kinda a silly belief,  huh? I guess that’s why I’m not sure I know what enjoying really means.

I guess… 

There’s no definite answer or decision. The choice is and the decision is never final.

How do I want to live my life?  Thinking of what has past and what if OR just face it moment by moment?  No one ever truly knows what might happen. So why do I try so hard to find out and miss what’s happening now?

Do I define how I want my life to be or let it be a surprise?  Do I really know what is ideal or what would be ideal? Doesn’t life just changes all the time depending how I see it?  And I myself has change a little bit. But,  why does that matter? The choice is how is the best way to respond.

It’s scary because I don’t know how it would turn out every moment. Why think of the outcome too much? I can’t change what has happened.  I can only change how I see it,  how I feel about it and how I respond.

So what is “the decision”?


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