Another sleepless nights. I always wake up at this hour. I won’t be able to sleep again at 4am. I usually won’t write anything. Just didn’t make a noise. Listening to the sounds in my head about everything, mostly pain, but I guess you already knew. Funny how, I can’t feel it almost. Is this my head or is it my heart writing? Where are the source of all the words I’ve been writing?
Anyway… Remember… The story of potatoes, egg and coffee? At this moment or at this stage, I become the egg after boiled in water. Hard. I taste ok. But my insides become hard. The only way I know now to protect my vulnerable self. I guess, when I grew up, I faced different people with also complex lives. With more different reactions. So, rejection feels worse than when I was in middle school or high school. Being in university, I didn’t had so many friends anyway. I didn’t intend too. Automatically I just knew because it’s part of the diplomats family life. You move around a lot, you’re used to goodbyes.
Funny, how when I stay.. I get too attached. When all my life, I’m used to moving from one place to the other. Huh. I never really cared much what people thought about me, not until I become interesting by a large group of people. Usually, I’m never the center of attention. I enjoyed it. Being noticed. Usually, being noticed didn’t really matter. I used to enjoy not being in the spotlight.
Whoa.. I guess I got blinded by it. I thought I found myself. Maybe I did, but also forgot the other part of me. The shy me. Who just liked to make people smile or laugh by the silly things I did. Who, still is, very sensitive. Who stands up by saying what she felt even when she ended up not liked or not having friends. I used to be ok like that, even when I didn’t had a lot of friends. Sad yes. Lonely yes. Funny, I was stronger then.
Now.. I get through different series of emotions. And I know, it’s killing me.
Why am I doing this? Why should anyone care what I’m going through? And If they did, why do they even need to say it to me? Maybe they did, but I didn’t notice. Maybe I didn’t really see and listened. Maybe they didn’t because why would they? They have a life too, have their own problems etc.
What’s the point?
I guess I need to stop deciding on things that haven’t really happened. I forget to live fully, and end up just seeing with one eye open and listening with one ear open. Yeah, my heart gets hurt and my mind is trying to make sense of everything in a way to protect my heart from getting hurt again. You know what, great job mind! But you forget that heart is just as mature as you. Let it be itself. It’s strong. Trust it. It’s hardening right now, but it knows it’s going to get through another boiling process, and it’s ready.
Being vulnerable and sensitive is a good quality. Use it for good.
Mind, time to go to bed. You can remember what I dreamed of later.
Heart, keep up! A lot of people need you..