Coz I care too much, they say…
This is how I face heartbreaks :
1. React by getting angry. Monster like expression. Blurt things out, mostly the hurt and frustration I feel inside.
2. All sad. Crying. Mellow. Blaming myself for everything. Things u should have done or shouldn’t have done. Asking why all the time.
3. Start to develop thoughts like, do they even care? Do they even feel anything? Do they even feel the lost like I do? Or is it for them is just like, not a big deal?
4. Change profile pics. Post encouraging quotes to help myself (which only works out like 5% of the time). Hoping and expecting they would notice (dream on.. ).
5. Hoping they would notice and do something about it (in my dreams.. D’oh). Annoyed and try to find ways to get noticed. Like that’s possible when all contacts are deleted (stupid). Start to swear, mostly to myself of how stupid I am for expecting a miracle.
6. Goes on sad mode again. Why didn’t they notice? Why don’t they care? Why wasn’t I enough? Bla bla bla bla bla…
This cycle goes on and on and not always in order by number. This is what I do when facing these kinda situations. Until how long? To what extent? Sometimes I’m not sure how and when, but eventually it just dies down a bit. It never really goes away. Any emotion, positive or negative just sticks with me and gives me a set of reactions to it. And I think, for others as well.
When I’m feeling all that, I just write or let it out like this. I know it might even get worst because I keep on talking about it. But what if it also helps me to get to know me better. Communicating it to myself is like practicing to use my logic more. I’m all feeling. That’s why my defense mechanism is always with a reaction, either getting angry or cry.
I’m human after all. I can be uncool most of the times, and that’s OK. Showing and communicating is OK, despite what society thinks about it. This is my way to heal.
Yeah, exposing myself makes me vulnerable. There’s an even bigger chance of me getting even hurt again and again. I don’t understand it myself, why I keep doing it. Not shielding myself. It has been traumatic every time people decide to end it. It hurts enormously. Yet, I still feel the same. If I don’t, it means I’ve had enough and I can’t open my heart anymore. That occasion is rare.
Maybe.. It’s ok to be different. To be misunderstood. As long as I understand myself, that should be enough… And nothing else should have matter, as long as I love myself.
That’s just still a concept for me.
I’m still figuring it out myself..