Scrambled

I don’t even know what to write. It might be the same thing over again. I’m still in the storm.  Fingers twitching. Brain is buzzing. Feelings are just all over the place. The main one is still sadness though.

Sometimes when I think about it,  what’s the point of all this?  Having all these feelings,  expressing it,  communicating it to the people I thought I’m close to..  What’s the point of doing that?  I’ve always thought it’s part of being intimate with someone. Showing I trust them because I’m letting them see and feel all of me. However, in the end..  I’m hurting. Well,  that’s a given. When I open myself,  it is a double edged sword.

Mostly, pain.

Here’s what has always happen. Whenever someone decides to leave me, they’re happier. But they of course don’t see it because they left me. Because who am I,  anyway?

Maybe the trick is,  of course,  let go and move on. Easy,  right?  Not. Not for me. No matter how much I try, it’s never easy. This time is much more difficult. Because I put everything on the line. But I guess it was a mistake. How can I even think that miracles happen?  How can I even had the thought of a miracle?

The only miracle has always been the birth if my son. And that should be the end of miracles in my life. Me being happy and to be able to smile,  love and blush again was just an illusion. It was real for a moment. But only real for me. Now,  the real truth has shown its colors. And,  again,  like all the posts before this,  I’m miserable.

Yeah I know it’s all negative or however you wanna call it. But in still here ain’t I?  Not taking a shortcut.

I haven’t decided whether I deserve happiness in my life. Usually people who leave me will find theirs immediately.

I can only say, now, I’m grateful to have my son with me. Being strong for him is the only thing I have right now to keep going. I can be happy because I need to be happy for him. And at night,  when everyone is sleeping,  I’ll be on my own,  and enjoy the sorrow I have in my heart. Survival. It’s the only way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s