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Wish

There’s no wish
Wishing is living in the past or the future
One is already a memory,  while the other hasn’t happen at all
Why bother wishing then?

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Yet I still and always blame myself for everything. For the reason why I’m unhappy. For the reason why people in my life won’t and don’t listen to me. For the reason people just leave. For the bitterness. For all the negativity in my life. I blame myself. Worst. I reflect the blame on others by being angry.

I feel helpless. Useless. Worthless. Everytime. I imprisoned myself. Worst. I throw away the key. Hoping. Expecting someone to save me. But no one won’t. Because everyone is busy living their lives. Facing their shit. Or, enjoying their happiness. Alone isn’t what I’m so angry about. It’s the resentment I have towards myself.

…….

Those moments

What you share, what you give will come back to you. The flow is kind of a circle. I see it kinda backwards though. I look back to find why I have what I have right now. Of course,  ain’t happy about it. The tendency is blame. Self blame. It seems stupid for many. Yet it’s a pattern I’ve built, which of course just makes me hate myself more.

People often say, “you’re beautiful bla bla bla..” .  I don’t feel that way,  coz if I did,  won’t people stay? Especially when I’m being myself. It gets even worst. I get judged. Talked behind my back. People find reasons or do things to avoid me, or just leave and never come back. Am I that ugly inside? Am I a psychopath? Yeah..  Drama. People don’t like and don’t want drama in their lives. So, for sure they don’t want me in their lives.

Turning 36. The number doesn’t really scare me. It’s not about aging. It’s about my attitude. Am I so obnoxious or just plain annoying?  Whatever I’m writing right now, doesn’t seem to make sense coz I’m just letting it all out. It’s just jumping all over the place with  lack of sleep,  a lot stressed caused by my own mind, it’s not getting better. It’s like those times when I feel like shit. Like giving up.

So many people move on when others leave them. So,  why can’t I? Why do I stay and wait and expect them to come back? Isn’t it just useless? Isn’t it just a stupid dream? 

Honestly,  lifting myself up from the abyss I’ve created is….. Hard. Moments like now,  is depressing. Expecting something to happen or someone to come is just plain stupid. It never ever will. It’s all on me. The choices. Everything.

In my head,  I know it. Yet it’s doing and sending me the wrong messages to protect myself.

I want to dissappear.

Life ain’t a movie

Life ain’t like a movie, darling
Where sweet surprises come your way
There are many..  Many hurdles.. 
Many setbacks
Life ain’t like a movie, sweety
Where happy endings comes fast
Where romance happens
It just ain’t
It take turns, getting lost,  hurt,  tears
You can’t really see the end,  until it really happens
Dream….. But live now.. 

    Usia

    Angka berubah tahun ini,  lagi
    Esok, hanyalah usia
    Bukan penentu kematangan jiwa
    Masih jauh dari kedewasaan
    Karena dewasa sama dengan menjadi bijak
    Masa itu entah kapan akan terjadi
    Mungkin,  ketika memilih untuk menerima diri
    Ketika sepenuhnya bersyukur atas setiap pengalaman
    Tidak lagi mengutuk diri atas kesalahan
    Tapi menghargai diri atas setiap pembelajaran
    Jadi,
    Masih lah saya jauh dari hal itu
    Hanya mampu berterima kasih atas hidup yang diberikan sampai saat ini
    Berterima kasih karena juga masih diberi kesempatan untuk terus belajar
    Terus mengkreasikan pengalaman baru
    Terus merasa
    Terus menjadi
    Hanya itu yang sudah di gapai usia