Those moments

What you share, what you give will come back to you. The flow is kind of a circle. I see it kinda backwards though. I look back to find why I have what I have right now. Of course,  ain’t happy about it. The tendency is blame. Self blame. It seems stupid for many. Yet it’s a pattern I’ve built, which of course just makes me hate myself more.

People often say, “you’re beautiful bla bla bla..” .  I don’t feel that way,  coz if I were,  won’t people stay? Especially when I’m being myself. It gets even worst. I get judged. Talked behind my back. People find reasons or do things to avoid me, or just leave and never come back. Am I that ugly inside? Am I a psychopath? Yeah..  Drama. People don’t like and don’t want drama in their lives. So, for sure they don’t want me in their lives.

Turning 36. The number doesn’t really scare me. It’s not about aging. It’s about my attitude. Am I so obnoxious or just plain annoying?  Whatever I’m writing right now, doesn’t seem to make sense coz I’m just letting it all out. It’s just jumping all over the place with  lack of sleep,  a lot stressed caused by my own mind, it’s not getting better. It’s like those times when I feel like shit. Like giving up.

So many people move on when others leave them. So,  why can’t I? Why do I stay and wait and expect them to come back? Isn’t it just useless? Isn’t it just a stupid dream? 

Honestly,  lifting myself up from the abyss I’ve created is….. Hard. Moments like now,  is depressing. Expecting something to happen or someone to come is just plain stupid. It never ever will. It’s all on me. The choices. Everything.

In my head,  I know it. Yet it’s doing and sending me the wrong messages to protect myself.

I want to dissappear.

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