Truth

Why is it so hard to tell people the truth?
Humans are smart. We,  I,  will find out eventually. So,  why not just tell it to me straight? This is how I feel. This is what I want. This is what I don’t want. We think,  I think,  others can’t handle the truth. Or maybe, you think you have told the truth,  and it’s just me who doesn’t understand,  who doesn’t accept. 
It takes time,  for some short,  for me, a long time to accept. But,  who cares? In the end,  how it will effect others doesn’t matter. What matters that it hurts yourself,  it’s annoying for you, it’s not serving you,  it’s not healthy for you.  So…  How others feel don’t matter shit. Don’t matter at all.

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Too….

Another night
Blank
Drowned in my own thoughts
Memories, recent and what might have been
I’m stuck
Too scared to move
Too afraid to take a leap
I’m on my own
Who’s strength but mine?
I feel small
I feel weak

…..

It’s OK

When someone feels bad or sad or worried or anything unpleasant, we tend to say,  it will be alright. To our children,  we say that. And,  that it’s ok stays with you once you grow up. Expecting things going to be alright by ignoring unpleasant emotions,  feelings and thoughts. We aren’t taught to identify the problem,  the cause and how to get through it. The statement of  it’s going to be ok seems to be a quick fix for everything.

Humans,  we are born as complex beings with so many emotions and thoughts.

What am I doing? Rationalizing emotions. Which is also a form of ignoring my feelings.  Why? Because I’m always labeled as an emotional person. Drama even. Why? Because I’m not so good at expressing myself. When I say good..  Meaning acceptable by people. Most people. I get stuck mostly. Suppressing even more. No healthy outlet of emotions and feelings. Which in the end,  becomes a shock,  and whoever is within range will experience the discomfort.

Writing about this makes me uneasy. Feeling judged even,  by myself. By my thoughts of how others might think of me,  of my thoughts and feelings.  Result : over thinking. And…  Over kill. Suicide in kind of a subtle and in the slowest possible manner.

Even now,  I just want to stop because I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to write more. I don’t want people to see me when I’m like this. It will effect not only me,  but people around me. And I feel like I mostly consider how people feel or think instead of my own. 

Yes… It’s selfish. It’s egotistical when you show your emotions and feelings. It’s ironic. In a world where they say you’re unique.  Or,  be yourself. But to what extent are you actually allowed to be yourself? Or to what extent are you allowed to show your emotions,  feelings and thoughts? Is it always about what is acceptable by the greater good? Whatever the greater good means.

Masokis

Diri sendiri jadi prioritas terbawah
Jadi bulan-bulanan,  bahkan tahunan di injak
Oleh diri sendiri
Sampai benar-benar percaya bahwa tak berharga
Bahkan tidak layak untuk bisa tersenyum
Sekejam itu pada diri sendiri
Untuk apa?
Rasa sakit dibuat sendiri
Untuk simpati?
Buang-buang energi dan waktu
Karena simpati takkan pernah ada
Lalu sekarang apa?
Terus melukai diri sendiri dengan pikiran?