chithanya

Happy new year!

Woke up too early again today (as usual). The first thought is YOU, and what these (almost) two months have been.

It has been so fast, my mind has been like a whirlwind. I’m happy yet scared at the same time. Maybe because i haven’t felt happy for myself for the longest time. I’ve just been living my life as it comes. Do what is needed to be done. Try to follow the so-called rules. Minimize drama and conflict, and before i realized it, i numbed myself.

I have trust issues too. Not because i was cheated on, but because he so many times didn’t do what he said he would do, he didn’t keep his promise to take care of me. Maybe it looks and sounds like not something huge as in cheated on, but for me keeping a word/a promise is what defines someone.

Words can build someone and crush someone, so people say. A promise creates expectations, and this is what ruines most things. It breaks hearts.

Now, i’m starting to open up again, letting someone new into my heart and my life. This time around it scares me. I do love him even if so many around me ask, “isn’t too fast?” It still worries and scares me a little, will i ever be enough?

All those theories are all clouded in my head mixed with so many questions like will it really work out? Can i be happy again? Is it ok for me to be happy? These couple of days have been crazy, these questions of doubt, doubting myself, doubting the process has drained me.

Even if in my head i know it’s all a choice, and no need to put too much weight on the worry and questions. I mean, it’s normal but it won’t be ok to give it weight.

All i can think of and left to do is accept. Yeah, accept the difference him and I have, age.

I can’t let this cover up how i see him inside. He’s been the warm, gentle, loving and caring to me, and that has been his superpower. That is what makes him one of the strongest people i know. He, just like me, has gone through hard times alone. Fought some of our demons alone. That’s what is similar with the both of us, and that’s what i need to keep an eye on. Keep an eye on what can we both do to make it work. Love each other like we have never loved before. Treat so many things as if it’s the first time ever.

I want this. To be happy again. Right now, with him. Side by side, be honest to each other, be silly together, get so annoyed at each other but always love and be loyal to each other no matter what.

I’m scared, but i think it will be worth it.