Big

It’s a big decision. It will change my life for sure. That’s why it’s so scary,  to take the steps. So many what if in my head. Yet one question is always asked, am I happy?  The answer is no. 
So many wisdom say,  happiness is an inside job, that’s true. You need to change how you see things.  Or just choose to be happy. Sounds easy. And it is simple. But it’s not. For me it’s not. Changing the context even though I know exactly I’m truly unhappy.  Miserable beyond repair. And, I need to choose.

What kind of life lived like this?  Is this being ungrateful?  Or is it gratitude is actually something bigger than that. It takes action,  not only a feeling. Not only a concept. I write this like I understand. But I don’t. Not at all. 

Must I stay,  and change how I see things?  Or should I just leave and build something totally new? Both have consequences,  big and small. What must I do in this crossroad?

Where?

Sometimes I ask myself stuck in this traffic,  where are all these people going?  Where am I going? Really.

Red

Stop thinking. Period. Stop thinking about the past, the future,  of what might happen,  of what could have happen. No point. It just sucks the best out of me. None of it matters. Not anymore,  nor it will matter in the future. No hope. Just what’s real in front of me.
One step at a time. Tackle it one by one. Be real. My heart seem to be out of reach. Not accessible. That’s how it supposed to be. Be real.

If there’s magic about it,  so be it. I lost that feeling though. I still have it when I’m around my son. I still need it to be a mother. Showing and sharing the wonders and magical things around you.

I can do this. No matter what. No matter what you think or say.

Are you?

I lived

The challenge is….

Challenging indeed

Am I?

Leave me alone

Runny nose,  again. Already 3 months with this flu. Another episode of waking up around this hour. Having thoughts of “the usual.” Why?  Why is it the same?  Why am I having this every night? Why does it feel like I’m the only one having these thoughts?  Coz it’s my thoughts,  d’oh!  Unnecessary question.

I do that a lot. Have in my mind things that for most people is just unnecessary. Why do I keep thinking about things that aren’t really necessary to think about? When I say necessary,  it’s kinda like not essential. The thing is…  I always ask in different kinda ways,  and I get upset when I don’t get the answer. I don’t like assuming or guessing what’s up. But,  asking does sound kinda silly or invasion of privacy. So yes,  I do hold back.

It is frustrating. My mind.

It is my mind,  yet it is out of my control. Maybe because I let it do whatever it wants all my life,  that it just like this.

I think out loud. Usually I share it with someone I trust. Apparently,  for most people,  again,  unnecessary thoughts. Too random. Or not attractive. Why do i need to care about what others think?  Even if it’s someone who’s so important to me right now. Why should I care?  Why I do what I do to myself?

I don’t have a clue of my own mind. Just too much. Sometimes I feel like I need someone just to be there. But of course what was attractive before,  has changed now for that person. Hmmm.. 

Practice : letting go…

I guess.. I’m human after all, not having the wisdom yet.. Maybe I will or maybe I won’t… I think too much on little things.. Yeah, a little too much. Sometimes too much that I confuse what is real and what’s not. Some things just too good to be true or the opposite. I don’t want to miss out, yet I end up missing more, wanting more, which scare people away. Too serious.
Why so serious?

Change

Thoughts are like superpowers. Used too much,  it can drain you. Use just enough and when it’s needed,  it will support you. Taking control of thoughts or mind apparently is not that easy,  at least for me. I need to remind myself,  do I have a mind or does mind have me. Just like in mastery.

I’m not the brightest person out there. Even though I want some things to make sense,  my gut feeling just don’t want to. What I need vs what I want.

I used to think I have a purpose. That I serve a greater good. Now,  it just seems different. Looking in does look selfish,  doesn’t it?  I guess I was always scared looking at me. So,  I didn’t love myself enough. I thought serving people is what will define me. I thought wrong. That mostly puts pressure. I keep wanting to do more,  but not really consider myself in the picture. Kinda difficult to explain. Point is,  I need to pay attention to me, and put myself first. Not meaning to be selfish. But u have unconsciously running from myself. Most because I want to fit in to others expectations instead of my own.