Big

It’s a big decision. It will change my life for sure. That’s why it’s so scary,  to take the steps. So many what if in my head. Yet one question is always asked, am I happy?  The answer is no. 
So many wisdom say,  happiness is an inside job, that’s true. You need to change how you see things.  Or just choose to be happy. Sounds easy. And it is simple. But it’s not. For me it’s not. Changing the context even though I know exactly I’m truly unhappy.  Miserable beyond repair. And, I need to choose.

What kind of life lived like this?  Is this being ungrateful?  Or is it gratitude is actually something bigger than that. It takes action,  not only a feeling. Not only a concept. I write this like I understand. But I don’t. Not at all. 

Must I stay,  and change how I see things?  Or should I just leave and build something totally new? Both have consequences,  big and small. What must I do in this crossroad?

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Red

Stop thinking. Period. Stop thinking about the past, the future,  of what might happen,  of what could have happen. No point. It just sucks the best out of me. None of it matters. Not anymore,  nor it will matter in the future. No hope. Just what’s real in front of me.
One step at a time. Tackle it one by one. Be real. My heart seem to be out of reach. Not accessible. That’s how it supposed to be. Be real.

If there’s magic about it,  so be it. I lost that feeling though. I still have it when I’m around my son. I still need it to be a mother. Showing and sharing the wonders and magical things around you.

I can do this. No matter what. No matter what you think or say.