Head or heart

Head has so many assumptions. So many thoughts. So many might haves and should haves. What if. What about. Could have been. Why didn’t I. Why didn’t he/she/they. How could I. How could he/she/they. As usual, like a storm raging in. No facts. Just assumptions. Prejudice. Judgments. Too scared of the consequences of asking for confirmation. Too scared it will hurt or ruin a relationship. Too worried if all the assumptions might just be true,  or maybe not. Or maybe even worse.

Heart is simple. It knows what it feels. Even though it can explain itself. It just knows,  it feels right. Then,  head comes in again asking,  what is right?  What is wrong?

A battle within one soul. Between head and heart. Most of the time, head wins. Even without flipping a coin. Even when it’s suppose to not be a game of chance. It’s just like that. Head wins over heart. Leaving heart in pain. Longing. Hurting. Sad. Disappointed. Missing. Alone. Scared,  not knowing how to be. How to act and react.

A never ending battle. So,  which one is it?

So..

How do I describe these past couple of days? I’m not sure. Not too high,  not to low. Kinda like in the middle. Grey. Not colorful,  not dark. Just grey. Hanging. No strong grip at anything except towards my own feelings. Lack of sleep. Trying to occupy my days with making some bracelets. A couple people have told me, I think the unnecessary. It’s true I guess. To the point that I don’t know what I’m thinking of. Is it a person?  Or is it feelings associated with that person.

Funny how writing kinda helps me feel sleepy. But then,  I always wake up around 2am to 5.30… Most of the time,  once I’m up at those times, I’m not sure why or it doesn’t seem to have any effect.

So….. Again..  In my life,  this is it.. 

MYSHA is born

Agak” gimana gitu..  Friday the 13th malah dapet jg label nama utk aksesoris gelang buatan gw..  😅😅
MYSHA.. Means joyous throughout life. 
Tujuannya biar kreasi gw bisa bawa keceriaan  & kebahagiaan buat yg make.  Sesederhana itu.
Makasih utk semua org (keluarga &  temen”) yg udh terlibat dlm perjalanan awal MYSHA..  🙏🙏🙏
Bismillah..  Semoga terwujud..  Amin YRA 🙏🙏🙏

Forget

Banyak org inget masa kecilnya. Tinggal dimana. Ngapain aja. Temennya siapa. Dll.  Saya?  Hanya potongan” kejadian. Dia itu juga sedikit. Gk tau kenapa. Gk inget apakah saya bahagia atau masa kecil sy gk menyenangkan. Inget wkt sy diketawain krn buang uang. Inget wkt sy bisa baca, papa senyum bangga. Inget wkt kelinci piaraan dikasih ke org sama nenek. Inget nama sd wkt di jkt,  tapi gk inget sama sekali ngelewatin hari” disana. Gk inget sebangku sama siapa.  Gk inget nama guru nya. Gk inget siapapun di sekolah. Apa sy segitu gk peduli nya?  Atau udh ky zombie aja ya.
Bagian hidup sy yg itu seperti hilang aja.  Kaya blank. Entahlah. Bahkan muka temen di sekolah atau guru jg gk inget sama sekali. What actually happened?

Apa sy perlu inget itu lagi? Apa sy lepasin aja dan gk usah pusing?

Kzl

Gk tau knp sore ini lg bad mood aja…  Lg gk kepengen ketemu banyak org..  Lg kepengen plg,  ketemu Yuta trus tidur…  Yep… 2 mgg ini..  Mellow, dan lumayan gk enak aja. Daripada ngmg gini ke org yg ada jadi ngeluh n bikin org lain kesel,  lbh baik nulis disini.  Nyampah disini.

Tamu bulanan padahal udh lewat. Masih aja bawaannya klo kesel pengen nangis. Saksi nya paling bantal n kasur di rmh. Gk pengen lg org lain ngerti jg.  Krn org lain jg punya hidupnya masing2… Gk mau nyusahin org dgn mood yg gk enak ini. Mending muntahin disini.

Naik turun. Dalam sehari aja bs naik turun bgt. Macam abg bgt. Selama gk nyusahin org lain,  msh nganggep gpp. Bagian dari hidup aja. Begitulah…

Skrg gk tau mau nulis apalagi. Pengen nangis aja tiba”….  Klo dianggap ngeluh…  Whatever…  Nangis gk selalu berarti itu…  Hanya… Capek aja gt… Pengennya pergi jauh aja dari sini…  Naik ke gunung…  Teriak ke alam semesta. Atau duduk diam n ngeliat keatas…  Itu aja pengennya…  Hanya terlalu pengecut utk pergi sendiri…

Haahhh……

Magic?

Is there so called magic? 
It was…  Once… 
No longer is…. 
I guess it was just a moment thing… 

For me, it still lingers

Bring

What do you do when you found someone who brings you joy and hurt at the same time? That is life. It’s not always one thing. It may be simple,  what I want,  still it’s complex at the same time. That’s why life is always learning. Always a process of discovery. Always a process of falling and getting up on my own. Always a process of knowing when to hold on and to let go. Knowing who and what to hold on and let go. Yesterday,  a man said,  “wisdom is about acceptance!” Someone who has wisdom accept things or events or whatever that is out of their control. What is out of one’s control?  Things that exist outside of us. Other people. People’s reaction or response to us. Events. Yes,  we’re part of an event or situation,  yet the only thing I can control is myself. Now..  Learning to accept that I have no power over what others may respond is wisdom.

I’m saying this,  not meaning I want to achieve wisdom or ultimate wisdom. What I’m saying is,  I don’t have this quality. For me,  acceptance is a struggle, and if it’s a struggle than its not acceptance.

Even I sometimes or most of the time has no power over my feelings and thoughts. That’s what people say as immature. I don’t know.  I simply want to feel happy. I know when I feel happy.  I know with who I feel happy. Yet,  that’s just one side. When the person I’m with doesn’t feel happy with me around, how can I be happy? Even though I know,  I actually have no power over that. I can’t change how people feel or react. People do,  feel,  think whatever they want or choose. Just like I do. So why do I have to worry actually? 

Changing thoughts in my head,  changes how I see things,  changes how I believe things,  and changes my attitudes. Now what?

What I bought

Beli batu sama bbrp aksesoris.. Beli makanan.. Gk tau apa lagi…. 

Mulai lg

Dan mulai lg sy grogi,  Deg”an mau nerjemahin.  Padahal ini udh dilakukan selama 8 thn ya..  Tetep aja tiap kali ketemu kelompok yg baru jadi gini.  Terus malah jd kemana”,  mikir hal lain..  Mikir pendapat org lain ttg sy. Gk penting bgt mestinya. Habit emg susah ilang ya..   Mesti sabar sama diri sendiri..  One step at a time

Creation

This is just another one I made myself.  For me,  creating something is something beautiful. It makes my mind off from my sorrow. And since I love making these,  it’s healing.